10 Reasons Why You Shouldn't Date or Marry a Wildlife Photographer
AUGUST 13, 2023
Number One: Animal Importance
Let me guess, you thought you loved animals and were interested in animals. You have no idea what love is.
Wildlife photographers want to know every aspect of their subject. Why does this animal behave in 10,000 different ways? You will have to get used to questions such as, "did you know black bears den in trees when in swamp land?" Unless you are willing to talk about animals at random times throughout the day then keep looking.
Number Two: Disinterest in Social Gatherings
Introversion times two is the best way to describe most wildlife photographers. Although they like people and want to talk to them, they are many times just as happy sitting in a blind for 4 hours waiting for the ivory-billed woodpecker to come along. You might think that you will go with. Only if you sit there and don't say anything for 4 hours and hold your bladder for the same period of time.
Number Three: Vehicles are Judged by Off Road Capabilities
Wildlife photographers care more about the ability of a vehicle to work well in off road conditions than they do looks. Secondarily, it should be able to be used as a "tent" for overnight trips into bear country.
Comfort comes in dead last. In other words, that minivan you are drooling over will have to wait.
Number Four: Your Vacations Just "Got Weird"
You are thinking of this magical romantic trip into the mountains, while he is thinking of the possibility of finding a fox den to camp out on.
Don't be fooled when he asks, "do you mind if I just go out for a couple of hours to see if I see some animals?" This, when loosely translated, means he will return at the earliest four or five hours later.
Also, when he returns, he will act one of two ways. If he was successful in his pursuits, he will want to tell the first available person about his adventure. You would be surprised how long an introverted wildlife photographer can speak about his photo shoots.
If he is unsuccessful, he will be quiet, and he will complain about all the miles he walked, and how it was just a pleasure to be out in nature.
Number Five: Christmas Just Got Get Really Expensive
When you ask, "what do you want for Christmas this year?" Do not expect a reply of "socks." We love this question and for some reason, we think everyone wants to buy us that amazing lens we have been drooling over all year. What you don't know, is that lens cost 10,000 dollars.
Wildlife photographers, like other photographers, love gear, but their gear, on average is about 4,000 dollars higher than other photographers.
Yeaaaah, better just not to ask.
Number Six: Photographers are Incredibly Jealous
NO, we are not jealous of the 10 guys a day we see eyeing your bum!
We constantly compare ourselves to other photographers and complain that they are successful, and we are not. We tell ourselves these guy are "hacks" and that only we can produce the best photographs on the earth. I mean look at that punk guy on YouTube. He has 100,000 subscribers and he looks like a toddler who can't leave mommy's side.
You will get tired of the phrase, "I've seen better!" He will repeat this often when you try to show him a fabulous photo that another photographer took. We critique our own work and others constantly. And, yes, we are critiquing your silly cell phone photograph you claim is a bear. All we see is what appears to be a blurry spec in the distance.
Number Seven: Christian Wildlife Photographers Will Drive you Crazy
Much like the Blues Brothers, we are on a mission from God!
For the creationist wildlife photographer, it is all about looking into the reflection of God's amazing wonders. We will run on at the mouth on most days of how amazing the intricate details of some animal are. We will talk about how God made the tongue of the hummingbird to wrap around his skull, so he has a unique place to store it.
We will show you the latest picture of the pileated woodpecker drumming away on a tree and explain how God made built in shock absorbers that keep the bird from killing himself from the vibrations.
The phrase, "isn't God amazing!" will come out of our mouths probably 5 times a day at a minimum, and unfortunately it will not involve your looks or amazing personality or the fact you cooked us an amazing meal 10 minutes ago. We are weird like that. We see wildlife photography as a God given mission to share animal creation to the world.
Number Eight: No Portraits of People
We are wildlife photographers and not people photographers. That means we don't like taking pictures of people, and generally, we are not that great at it.
Despite training in people photography earlier in our career, we sold off our studio lights long ago, to put toward that latest whizzbang wildlife camera or lens.
Don't ask us to photograph people. You will be in shock when you ask us to photograph the kids, and we respond with a matter of fact, NO!
Number Nine: We Keep Strange Hours
"Honey, I need to get up early in the morning tomorrow.", says the photographer. You respond, "ok, so about 6 am, then?" "No, I was thinking more like 2:30am so I can be on the road by 3:00 am and in the field by 5:00am.", says your photographer husband.
The photographer will then go into a TMI rant about how he has to be in the blind before sunrise, so the animals don't see him coming and then something about catching the beautiful early morning light.
At this point your lovely lady will respond with some statement that you are crazy and something about you falling asleep on the road... blah, blah blah... bear will eat you... blah, blah blah..."
Number Ten: There is no Such Thing as a Quick Photo
Remember, it does not matter where you and he are at any given moment.
If he sees a hawk perched on a stump, he will stop the vehicle, get out his gear and take what he calls, "a quick shot." There is no such thing!
Wildlife photographers will work a scene, and try to move closer and closer to the subject. He will be monitoring the movement of the subject to determine his fight or flight status, and how comfortable he is in general. He will then proceed to take photographs of every angle of the subject. He may pause for a few moments from time to time. He is not ready to go yet. He is thinking of any other possible shots he can get of the subject. Do not ask him to hurry. It will just anger him and cause a fight that neither of you really want.
When he gets back in the car he will then mull over the entire encounter time and time again in his mind. Talking to him about a book you just read is going to be a exercise in futility.